I have to break up with my new BFF. Don’t get me wrong. It’s not because I don’t love and appreciate her. I do. It’s not because we didn’t have fun times together. We did. I guess this is going to sound weird and self-centered. It is. I had to break off our friendship because she was making me fat. It’s true. All she ever talks about is food. Good food too. All she wants to do is cook and create fabulous delicacies. Then I end up copying her and now I’m paying the price for our so-called friendship.
We became friends over turkey. I was searching for a really good recipe for my Thanksgiving Day bird, and lo and behold, she just came out of nowhere. I copied her recipe and set out for an award winning bird. It was delicious. So I went back to her for more. The next thing I know I’m baking these blueberry-lemon sweet rolls! That wasn’t good enough. She just had to show me how to make the best cinnamon rolls ever to be tasted by human taste buds. No kidding. No exaggeration. They were awesome. I’m going to guess we had about seven pans of these evil things. They beckoned to me morning, noon, and night. And I answered their siren-like call. Every single time. I ate them with a freshly brewed pot of coffee by morning, and a tall slurp of milk in the afternoon, evening, and bedtime.
The result? I gained five pounds. Instantly. It had taken me about six weeks to lose four pounds and in a week’s time, I had gained it back plus an extra for good measure. I know she isn’t force-feeding me these concoctions she dreams up. True that. But it’s like our whole relationship is centered around food. We do converse now and then about her children. A great group of kids they are! Sweet, loving, smart, beautiful and big helpers around the ranch she and her husband own and operate. She has educated me on the ways of being a cattle rancher – fascinating conversations, really. We talk about her dogs too. One of them, a little terrier mix, is just the cutest thing you can imagine on four legs. We talk about all the trips she takes all over the US to promote her books. She is an amazing cookbook author. There we go again. The root of the problem. I can’t help but love her. But I’m ending this friendship now. Today. I forgot to mention how generous she is. She actually gives away clothes, nice clothes, right out of her closet to total strangers. I have witnessed her giving away very expensive blouses with the purchase tags still attached! She gives away an iPad now and then too! Seriously! And I have seen her give away cowgirl boots that would delight Annie Oakley herself. Actually, some are the kind Taylor Swift wears. You should Google those things sometime. Very chichi.
I’m feeling really selfish right now. We just had a little chat and I just have to tell you what she is persuading me to bake right this very minute – lemon rosemary scones. How dare she? I’m struggling to get this extra twenty pounds off my frame, five of which she helped me load on, and she comes up with this oven baked sin. They have a lemon-rosemary glaze that is begging to be your new best friend. Trust me. Eat these things and they will be your best friend. You’ll be sitting on them for some time to come. I’m still sitting on the lemon-blueberry and cinnamon rolls. Best darned rolls I ever ate. I want more, but I’m resisting. And dang it. Every time we get together, the first thing I see is a photo of those lemon-blueberry rolls and I can just smell the aroma. Instantly floods my taste buds’ memories with wanton abandon. I just cannot eat anymore. And now she is throwing these scones in my face. She is so sweet about it too. Almost like the wicked queen offering Snow White the poison apple. Only my friend would never, ever do anything wicked (beside all this cooking). She is really an awesome friend. She even helps people who are interested in photography. She offers help and tips on how to take expert photographs. She also helps people who want to home-school their kids – for whatever reason. She doesn’t judge people either.
I’m shaking off this temptation to bake those scones and continue our friendship. I just need to stand firm. Just say no. I’ve tried being friends with her and staying out of the kitchen, but that’s the basis for our friendship. I don’t think a non-kitchen friendship would work between us. I’m only trying to save my health. I’m fat enough already. I’m done. So long my newest BFF. I have to end this now.
I’m so weak. My backbone has been replaced with jelly. Why can’t I stand up to her and just say no? Her kind heart and sweet personality make it difficult. Those scones are still beckoning me toward the kitchen. But wait! Something else just caught my eye. Gosh, it’s so hard to focus when you suffer from ADD. She does have my weight in consideration! She also has a recipe for Thai chicken wraps! They aren’t fattening. Well, at least not as fattening as those cinnamon buns. They look simply to die for. I know! I will make them for dinner and the scones for the morning. That way, I can think about all of that tomorrow. Have my cake and eat it too. Thanks Ree. I so appreciate your thoughtfulness.
You know what the bad part of all of this is? This is a totally one-sided friendship. She has no idea I’m even alive. I follow her advice and try her recipes. I watch her on the Food Network. I make all this delicious food for which she offers up recipes and valuable step by step instructions. Ahhh, I can’t just end our friendship. I would miss her. I think I will run over to the Pioneer Woman’s blog and see what else my BFF, Ree, has come up with this time. Maybe just one more recipe. I can diet anytime. BFFs are hard to find. You rock Ree!