I have had some kind of crud for a week now. Maybe the flu, maybe a serious common cold, or maybe just severe allergies. I really don’t know. I detest going to the doctor unless I have an immediate loss of limb issue, maybe a concussion, serious blood loss, or fever over 110. Ok, that’s hyperbolic, a fever at or near 104 is cause for concern. So, no, I have not yet sought medical attention. I did, however, cruise the internet in a feeble attempt to diagnose myself. I have something awful. That’s all I could come up with. It could be the flu. I did have a fever, sore throat, muscle aches, a headache, and an assortment of other maladies. I could have a severe cold. I could have severe allergies. Whatever. Self-diagnosing is really a difficult task for the nonmedical.

I have been out of work for five days. I don’t remember ever being out of work for five days with the exception of the life-threatening bone infection a few years back – that’s a whole different story there, and one I will share soon. I didn’t even miss more than two days when I broke my arm and had to have surgery to put it back together with metal and screws. Again, another story to be told soon. But now? I was planning to return to work tomorrow morning, but my eye has taken over my face. It is now an entity all on its own. I have even given it a name. Blogging audience, meet my new appendage, FrankenStye. FrankenStye, meet my blogging audience. Hopefully, this will be a one-time meeting.

FrankenStye began as a slight eye irritation. Nothing major, just a little tender spot on the inside of my eye that progressed to a bruised sensation. We must note here, that I am particularly queasy with eye stuff and fingernail stuff. Probably should list bad teeth stuff. Ok, and anything that has puss in or around it. Blood kind of freaks me out too, especially if it’s mine. But really, eye stuff is at the top of my queasy list. Just imagine my horror as I cruised Google images for eye problems. I believe my eye thing to be a stye, but I’ve never had one before so I do not know. I woke up this morning to, “Whoa! Where is my right eye?” Remember where’s the beef? Oh yeah, here it is under my pickle… I was kind of freaked out as my entire upper lid was hanging down covering my eye connecting with the lower lid. It was not gross. I swear. Coming from Lil’ Miss Queasy Eye, I can assure you it was almost kind of cool rather than gross. There was NO gunk or anything grossly similar. Just a huge swollen eye lid. I could pick it up and move it around, look underneath, and then plop it back down. It’s not red. What a great sign. The swollen part, anyway. Under the swollen part the lid where my eyelashes catch up with the swelling mass is quite red. Almost purple.

So I had to call in for another day off. I got the giggles as I was trying to explain to the secretary that I was really in bad shape. Somehow, it just sounded hysterical to me and I couldn’t stop laughing. I’m sure she thinks I’m some kind of weirdo freak. The funny business erupted when I told her I know how Mrs. Potato Head in Toy Story felt when she was crying, “My eye! My eye!” And when her husband, Mr. Potato Head, asks her where it is, she replies, “Somewhere dark and dusty!” That’s what started my whole laughing spasm. I’m still laughing, and for some strange reason I’m speaking with a New York accent. No problem except for I’m Southern! It’s that dang potato!

I can’t put a contact in that eye, and now my glasses are making an indentation in the side of my nose where the nose pads are resting. The problem with this is that I am near legally blind without my visual aids. It’s truly an amazing sight. The big blob of swollen business reminds me of yeast rolls rising. That makes me laugh even harder, and then I mimic Mrs. Potato Head again in my new New York accent!

Does it hurt, you ask? Well, yes, it does as a matter of fact. My eyeball (just saying “eyeball” causes another bout of hysterical laughter) burns and the upper lid area feels like it was met with a fist. Of course, I really do not know if that is true as I have never, thankfully, had my eye meet a fist before. I can only imagine that it would feel like what my eye feels like now. It’s also starting to itch. I hope that is a good sign. Doesn’t itching mean that a healing is near? Well, except for in the case of chicken pox, poison ivy, and dermatitis.

I’m just beside myself. And that makes me want to say, “I’m just beside my eye.” That, makes me laugh again. In fact, I cannot stop laughing. I wonder if that is a symptom of my crud? Or maybe my eye problem? Or maybe I just have a sick sense of humor. That is probably the real deal; I just have a sick sense of humor. Now I’m laughing again, because that is an awesome pun – “sick” sense of humor!

In all seriousness, I am planning to visit my doctor first thing tomorrow. Unless, I wake up and FrankenStye has packed up and moved on. In that event, I’m just going to stay home and laugh a little harder.  Seeing how I already have the day off… with that I laugh hysterically – get it… “Seeing how….” I’m truly sick.